Seven Psychological Reasons and a Lesson About Family Relationships
I recently came across the image above with a provocative question:
“Why doesn't a child value their mother?” The question made me stop and think.
At 91, I have lived long enough to see many kinds of family relationships. I have been a son, a husband, a father, a grandfather and now a great-grandfather. I have also watched friendships and family relationships change over the decades.
Most mothers and fathers hope that their children will remain close to them throughout life.
But that doesn't always happen.
I know of one family in which three adult children no longer talk to their mother. I don't know everything that happened inside that family, and I certainly would not presume to decide who is right or wrong.
But their situation made me wonder: How can a child who was once so dependent upon a mother eventually become so distant from her?
Psychology gives us several possible explanations.
1. They may have felt emotionally neglected
A mother can provide food, clothing, education and a home—and still fail to provide the emotional connection a child needs.
Children need to feel that someone listens to them, understands them and takes their feelings seriously.
A child who repeatedly thinks, "Mom doesn't understand me," may eventually stop trying to communicate.
What begins as childhood disappointment can become emotional distance in adulthood.
2. They may have experienced too much criticism
Some parents believe criticism will make their children stronger. But constant criticism can have the opposite effect.
A child who repeatedly hears that he or she is not good enough, smart enough, successful enough or responsible enough may eventually protect themselves by creating distance.
Sometimes an adult child doesn't stop loving a parent.
They simply stop wanting to be around someone who makes them feel inadequate.
3. They may feel controlled
There is a difference between guidance and control.
Parents naturally want to protect their children. But even after children become adults, some parents continue trying to make decisions for them.
Who should they marry? Where should they live? What career should they choose?
How should they raise their own children?
Eventually, an adult child may decide that the only way to establish independence is to create boundaries or even cut off communication.
4. Old childhood wounds may never have been resolved
This may be one of the most important reasons. Parents sometimes say:
“That happened 30 years ago. Why can't you just forget it?”
But emotional memories don't always disappear simply because many years have passed.
Perhaps there was favoritism between siblings. Perhaps there was a divorce.
Perhaps the child felt abandoned. Perhaps something was said during childhood that the parent has completely forgotten, but the child never did.
Time can heal some wounds. But time alone does not necessarily heal every wound.
Sometimes the wound needs to be acknowledged first.
5. They may have different memories of the same childhood
This is something I have learned as I have grown older.
Two people can experience the same family event and remember it completely differently.
A mother might remember: “I sacrificed everything for my children.”
Her child might remember: “My mother was never there when I needed her.”
Both people may sincerely believe their version.
Memory is not a perfect recording of the past. It is influenced by emotion, personality and individual experience.
That is why family arguments about the past can sometimes become impossible to resolve.
6. A spouse or partner may influence the relationship
When children become adults, they form new families of their own.
A husband, wife or partner can sometimes become an important influence on how an adult child views his or her parents.
Sometimes that influence is healthy. Sometimes it can increase existing family tensions.
An adult child may begin seeing the mother differently after hearing a spouse's perspective about past family conflicts.
This doesn't necessarily mean the spouse is responsible.
It simply means that family relationships become more complicated as people grow older.
7. Sometimes distance becomes easier than reconciliation
This may be the saddest reason of all. Family conflicts can continue for years.
A phone call is not returned. Then another one isn't returned.
Christmas passes without a visit. A birthday comes and goes.
Eventually, silence becomes a habit.
After enough time, both sides may become afraid or unwilling to make the first move.
The mother may think: "My children don't want me."
The children may think: "Our mother doesn't understand why we're hurt."
And the wall becomes higher with every passing year.
But Does This Mean the Mother Is Always to Blame?
Absolutely not. This is where I would be very careful with the question in the original image.
An adult child can also be unreasonable. Some children become selfish.
Some become resentful over money or inheritance.
Some blame their parents for problems that were not really the parents' fault.
Some are influenced by other people. And sometimes parents have done everything they reasonably could and the adult child still chooses estrangement.
Parenthood does not come with a guarantee of gratitude.
Nor does being a child mean that everything our parents did was automatically right.
Family relationships are complicated because they involve human beings with memories, personalities, disappointments, expectations and imperfections.
What I Have Learned at 91
Perhaps reaching 91 gives me a different perspective on this subject.
When we are young, we tend to think we have plenty of time to settle our differences.
When we become older, we discover that time is one thing we cannot replace.
I have lost my wife, Macrine, after more than 63 years of marriage. I have watched our children become adults and create families and lives of their own.
I have learned that children eventually have to become their own people.
And parents eventually have to let them. The greatest gift a parent can give an adult child may not be advice.
It may be respect. Respect for their decisions. Respect for their boundaries.
Respect for their different opinions. And perhaps most importantly, the willingness to say:
“I may not completely understand how you feel, but I am willing to listen.”
And What About That Family of Three?
I keep thinking about the family I mentioned at the beginning. Three adult children who no longer speak to their mother.
I don't know what happened behind closed doors. Perhaps the mother made mistakes.
Perhaps the children made mistakes. Perhaps everyone contributed to the breakdown.
Maybe there were wounds that were never properly discussed. I would not want to judge them from the outside.
But I do wonder whether, somewhere underneath all the anger and silence, there might still be a desire for reconciliation.
Sometimes someone has to take the first step. It might be the mother. It might be one of the children.
It might begin with nothing more complicated than: “I miss you.”
Or: “I'm sorry.” Or even: “Can we talk?”
At 91, I have learned that being right is sometimes less important than being connected.
And when it comes to family, there are some bridges we should try very hard not to burn.
A David at 91 thought
We enter this world needing our parents. We leave home needing our freedom.
And somewhere between those two moments, we must learn how to love one another
without controlling one another.
A mother is not perfect. Neither is a child. We are all human.
And sometimes the greatest gift we can give our family is not another argument about the past, but the courage to open the door one more time.
Because tomorrow is never promised.
- Invisible Constant Love: A mother's steady, daily presence and consistent support can become invisible to a child over time, making her feel taken for granted.
- A Safe Space for Emotions: Children often direct their pent-up anger, stress, and raw frustrations at their mothers because they subconsciously view them as a source of unconditional acceptance.
- The Individuation Process: As children grow, they must separate and build their own independent identities, which can temporarily manifest as emotional distance or rejection of parental influence.
- Learned Disrespect from the Environment: Children closely observe family dynamics. If they witness a father or other household figures talk down to, interrupt, or disregard the mother, they internalize that behavior and mimic the disrespect.
- Lack of Self-Respect Modeling: Mothers who completely erase their own needs to serve everyone else can accidentally teach children that self-sacrifice is mandatory and that the mother’s boundaries hold no weight.
- Premature Peer and External Influences: During adolescent shifts, such as around age 14, children naturally begin questioning authority, and outside peer groups can displace family values if strong boundaries are missing.
- Unmet Expectations and Unresolved Wounds: If a mother is emotionally distant, hypercritical, or inconsistent, the child develops an insecure attachment style, which can harden into resentment or emotional detachment.
- Lastly, My Photo of the Day:
- MY FAVORITE IS NUMBER 3, FROM MARINDUQUE SERVED AT CHATEAU DU MER
